


Rule number one of the X-Men: never escalate a situation.

by princess_fluffle



Category: Deadpool - Fandom, xmen movies
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 05:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14710181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princess_fluffle/pseuds/princess_fluffle
Summary: Off to the side of Deadpool 2





	Rule number one of the X-Men: never escalate a situation.

**Author's Note:**

> This contains SPOILERS for Deadpool 2

The window opening quickly ended the conversation in Charles Xavier’s study.

“Charles, why is there a man who looks like swiss cheese screaming in the hallway, and why in the hell is he riding your chair?”

It was not uncommon for Erik to be the last person to know about most things that had to do with the X-Men, in fact it was sort of an unspoken rule among the team. Nothing good could come from the man known as Magneto hearing about anything that might involve a mission. Instead his time in the X-Mansion was happily busied with the daily happenings of the students, trying his best to give them a home and family they, and he, had often been denied.

“Can’t you ever use a door?” Hank complained.

“Hi Dad,” Peter Maximoff spoke before Erik could respond. “That’s Wade. He’s indestructible, and I think he’s fascinating.”

“The last person who claimed that ended up impaled in a lake,” Erik smiled wickedly.

“Excuse me,” Charles interjected. “We don’t threaten guests. He’s going through a rough time so I told Piotr that he could bring him here. I don’t hold out hope he’s X-Men material but he can gladly say here for a spell.”

“The one Eleanor was telling us about? What could be so bad when your immortal.”

“His wife was murdered and he blames himself,” Scott said the words with his typical know it all attitude.

“That’ll do it,” the color drained from Erik’s face as he walked through the room. “I’ll be on my best behavior, I’m even going to ask him what he’d like for dinner and make it for everyone. How’s that for hospitality? And look Hank- I’m using the door.”

“I don’t think it’s wise to introduce Deadpool and Magneto,” Orro grimaced.

“I agree,” Scott adjusted his glasses.

“I don’t think anyone does,” Hank added, re-staking his claim as biggest know it all.

“What are we going to do Stepmommy?” Peter looked at Charles who groaned.

“I’ve told you repeatedly not to call me that.”

“Wicked Stepmommy,” Peter joked under his breath.

“Anyway,” Charles continued, “I told Erik not to try and get revenge after the incident in Poland but he already had. When we borrowed you in ‘73, do you remember what one of the first things I said to him in the Pentagon was?”

“I missed you so much but I hate you- let’s fight fuck,” he replied drawing laughter from even Hank. “Oh wait, that’s just what your eyes said.”

“I said no killing and do you know what he did when we got to Paris? He shot Raven. Then he tried to shoot the president a week later.”

“She shot him back though, Girl Power,” Orro added.

“I told him not to launch missiles at the ships in Cuba and he did, I told him not to kill Shaw and he did, on and on it goes. The first thing I ever said to him was you have to let go or you’ll drown before diving into the water to rescue his drowning ass because he didn’t let go.” Charles took a breath to calm down. “Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”

“That Cairo or no Cairo you’d be bald?” Storm offered.

“I thought we were just rehashing your love story,” Kurt added, garnering high fives from both Peter and Scott.

“My point is when I say, ‘Erik No’ he hears ‘Erik Yes’. What do you expect me to do? The only time he does the right thing is when my life is on the line.”

Scott opened his mouth to speak before Charles pointed at him. “No I will not stage my own death.”

“Why don’t you go on a vacation?” Hank offered. “Somewhere far away. I can run the place for a week or so.”

“Somewhere with a beach,” Orro chimed in, “and if there are any incidents, we can deploy the proper force without the possibility of an Erik/ Wade team up going rouge.”  
*  
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*  
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*  
“Hi Yukio,” the Magnatist walked toward the living room where he heard Wade’s voice.  
“Hi Erik,” the pink hair teen bobbed by.

“Oh no not another one!” Wade’s voice rang out over the sofa. “I can’t take another goodie goodie X-Man coming to tell me how it’s going to be okay, Sun’ll come out tomorrow, Annie the Musical Bullshit.”

“I’m not an X-Man,” Erik sat down next to him and patted his knee.

“Oh My Michael Fassbender, the balls you aren’t.”

“I don’t know what that means exactly…”

“Oh nothing; just this race car driver who sort of looks like you but, shit, you’re Magneto.”

“You can call me Erik or, some of the kids call me Mr. Lehnsherr even though it’s far too formal.”

“Can I call you Frauline Magnita?”

“Good lord you’re annoying, but at least you're speaking. When Magda died I was nearly catatonic.”

“I saw that ugh and you lost your kid, too. And your mom, and…”

“We’re not here to talk about me,” Erik lifted a hand. “I know you feel helpless now but in time…”

“Don’t say it’ll pass. Not you, I can’t take that- because you’re like me. We’re not like them, we aren’t scared to fuck a bitch up.”

“It doesn't. Every time I think about all the family I’ve lost, it hurts just as much and the guilt is just as strong as the moment it happened. But time and distance from that moment make you realize that it was just one moment of many in your life. And staying in that moment isn’t going to bring her back because Vanessa isn’t there anymore.”

“That shit was deep,” Wade stared at him.

“Thank you,” Erik smiled. “Now first order of business; have you gotten revenge on the people who did this or is there, how did you put it? A bitch to fuck up? Because I can help. I’ve been antsy to get into a good stand off for a while now.”

“Got them,” Wade lifted a hand to high five.

“Alright, fine,” Erik sighed, ignoring the hand raised at him. “In that case, you need to realize that romantic relationships are not the only ones that matter. Look at Charles- he’s shown me that a family can be built on friendships.”

“Really?” Wade stood up. “I mean, yeah, whatever you’re right. More family than you know, right? I saw Apocalypse but, really? You want me to act like I don’t see what is going on between you and Professor Wheels. The long lingering stares over chess, the laying in bed together, the big gay road trip in ‘62, and that’s just the first one. Oh and let’s not forget that whole first trilogy! Come on! You’re not just Charles and Erik, you’re Cherik and in any year, in any timeline, no matter how much hetero washing they try or useless love interests are written in, you are both totally gay for each other and if it wasn’t for the spinal injury, you two would be boning like bunnies.”

“Oh that’s a fallacy, Charles is one of many men who can get an erection post paralysis.”

“A-ha!” Wade pointed.

“Anyway,” Erik began to hurry himself out of the room, “my condolences again.”  
*  
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“Did you stop him?” Charles looked up as Negasonic Teenage Warhead entered his office, followed closely by Yukio.

“Not so much,” she smirked.

“What happened? Is the damage going to be awful? How many minds do I have to erase?”

“Erik did good,” Yukio smiled, “He helped get him to see that life will go on, it was very motivational.”

“Really? Well that’s wonderful,” Charles relaxed a bit.

“Tell him the other part,” Negasonic’s smirk widened.

“Oh, umm he said he’s itching to get into a good stand off and has been for a while now, but I think it’ll pass.”

“Thank you for telling me. With the repeated noise coming out of Essex House it might be best that we take that vacation Doctor McCoy was booking and not be part of the investigation there.”

“That wasn’t what I meant,” Negasonic sparked with excitement.

“Well spit it out,” Charles rubbed his temple as he mentally packed.

“Wade tricked Erik into admitting that you too were, you know, well…” Yukio twirled her hair nervously.

“That’s ludacris,” Charles protested. “I mean obviously, he’s been married and I…”

“Are simple his old friend,” Negasonic interjected. “Who lets him sleep in your bed and is currently wearing his flannel shirt, We know Professor, trust me, we all know.”

With that the girls exited, crossing Erik in the doorway.

“Charles I’ve been thinking about how unfair it is that you’ve been busying yourself with all of the X-Men missions almost single handedly and…”

“Oh I agree, and was thinking the same. I guess I’m not the only mindreader around here,” Charles cut in with a wide smile. “What do you say we throw caution to the wind and go to Hawaii? It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a beach with you and it’s high time we make some good memories laying in the sand.”

He licked his lips seductively for emphasis.

Rule number one of the X-Men was, afterall, never escalate a situation.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Escalation (Rule Number One of the X-Men: Never Escalate a Situation Remix)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15257847) by [IreneADonovan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IreneADonovan/pseuds/IreneADonovan)




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